When I was growing up, race was more than talked about. It was the butt of many a joke. Black baby dolls were given as gag gifts, grown-up's didn't catch "a tiger by his toe" and accusing you of having a "black" boyfriend was meant as an insult.
I was taught very young black people look different. They talk differently, walk differently, act differently, dress differently.
And different was not good.
Somehow, with all of the negative attitudes about race, I emerged unscathed. All of the negative talk about everyone with a tint, somehow made me more accepting. At least they were talking about it.
Now I have kids. I don't talk about race or skin color. I don't point out hair texture or eye shape nor do I discuss past atrocities with my four-year old.
I am beginning to think I should.
Bronson and Merryman, authors of "NurtureShock," discovered, through various studies, that most white parents don’t ever talk to their kids about race.
They found that most parents, the ones who think racism is wrong, don't want to point out skin color to their kids because they want them to be color-blind. They said we use vague phrases like “everybody’s equal” but don't explain why it's necessary to make such a statement.
Parents would like to believe kids don't see racial differences. Obviously they do. According to "NutureShock," the differences should be acknowledged as young as four. Kids whose parents openly discuss race are more accepting than those who don't.
Living in a diverse neighborhood and sending your kid to a melting pot school in lieu of talking honestly with them when they are young, is not teaching your child acceptance.
In their studies Bronson and Merryman learned:
- Only 8% of white American high-schoolers have a best friend of another race. (For blacks, it’s about 15%.)
- The more diverse a school is, the less likely it is that kids will form cross-race friendships.
- 75% of white parents never or almost never talk about race with their kids.
- A child’s attitudes toward race are much harder to alter after third grade, but a lot of parents wait until then (or later) before they feel it’s “safe” to talk frankly about race.
I acknowledge comfortably and discuss openly differences in gender. I often let my daughter know girls can be astronauts, superheroes and doctors, and her brother can push a stroller. These stereotypes I fight everyday. I forget she needs to be told people of any color can be all of those things too.
And she can be a Hip Hop Mogul, if she chooses.
i read your column multiple times, the issue(s) are all too true. as adults we expose children to truths, beliefs, opinions, and what some might call" old wives" tales in the developemental years. there are reasons or justificaions that we use these truths, opinions ,beliefs, untruths and in some cases gruesome tales as part of how we guide children. a phrase that emcompasses some the issues in your column is "children are a product of the enviroment". everyone may not be aware of the day to day for parents, let alone planning for their future . some parents or associated adults rely to the educational system to motivate and expose our children, while some parents take proactive measues and extra effort to guide developement. exposure to various races, cultures, social and financial levels among neighborhoods should be positive experences. as adults we too often regress by not offering children some options available. the "middle class" education that we may have doomed out children to is all too often affected by predisposed lack of free thinking or an adults background. family and other associations carry tremendous influence. children need to feel safe and confident , what better place than with a group of people that are similar to. how do we expose children from varied backgrounds to realize that their future can be as bright as anyones. larry
And... I was writing about a study that was trying to look at the effects different ways of talking about racial differences would have on little kids. But that study didn't go over because so many of the white parents in the study dropped out or refused to talk about race with their little kids. So the researcher started looking at why the white parents were so uncomfortable talking about race with their kids. I guess they could have done the study on how races other than whits dealt with race, but I guess they found it more interesting that white parents dropped out. A lot of people think racism is learned behavior. We (non-racist white parents) don't want our kids to be racist, we want them to know that people are people, so we do not talk about it, talking about it makes it an issue. BUT---little kids (and adults) naturally categorize things and people. Physical difference, like skin tone, is one of the easiest way to categorize people. Kids (and adults) naturally prefer people they see as "like them."
"kids are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism; they're going to form these preferences on their own. Children categorize everything from food to toys to people at a young age. However, it takes years before their cognitive abilities allow them to successfully use more than one attribute to categorize anything. In the meantime, the attribute they rely on is that which is the most clearly visible...The spontaneous tendency to assume your group shares characteristics--such as niceness, or smarts--is called essentialism. Kids never think groups are random." By not talking about race (be you red or yellow black or white) we are letting kids interpret physical differences, like race, with their little minds. With an unguided mind, they're drawing the conclusions we are trying to erase.
and- I don't think we would need to get into deep seeded racism stuff(from any side). just positive things about the different races.
too much rambling.... thanks for the comments!
A child is not looking at a person and thinking about how "Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson (blah, blah)" are trying to influence them. They simply think- that person looks different than I do- wonder why. And the conversation is about how "grown-ups" can can help children of all races grow up and not make a statement like "Sounds like "white guilt" propaganda that was used to get Obama elected starting again." To raise a generation that has a better understanding of their fellow humans. Perhaps their generation won't have reasons to make such a statement. There will always be black or white baby dolls given to children as a joke and and some children will be mocked for or banned from hanging out with friends of a different race- "ignorance will prevail", right? I will do all i can to be sure it does not prevail with my kids.
Sorry, I should've been more clear. I didn't someone else to tell me what to tell my children. I was just curious if your sources made suggestions, and if there were perspectives from non-whites, so that I could I decide for myself what I should and shouldn't tell my children. Perhaps you didn't mean to say that non-whites should tell whites what to tell their children. I agree with Jessica that left alone children will naturally notice physical differences between children of other races and will pick up on sub-cultral differences, which will in time lead to questions, and left alone, possibly negative stereotypes. By saying that racism is just human nature, If Tonto means that people of one race notices differences in people of another race as I described above, then I agree with him. However, if he is implying that his definition of racism centers on negative stereotyping, and it is natural for folks to make negative stereotyping, then I have to disagree with him. Stereotyping is a form of categorizing that our brains are wired to perform naturally. I know of no science that suggest that negative stereotypes are just natural. I believe that natural stereotyping is neutral, and depending on one's rearing, education, exposure, etc. it may become positive, remain neutral or negative.
We don't have to teach children respect for people of other races and abilities. We simply need to preserve their trust in themselves and others, and their inborn sense of justice. If a child feel safe and strong, he will respond with indignation to racism, whether it's directed at him or at someone else. He will know that the racist attitude he has witnessed is wrong, and won't adopt it as his own.
"racism is just human nature. Like love, greed, hate, etc. The only way to eliminate it is to eliminate people" or "If you put two kids in a room away from the parents they won't worry about who is black or white because their human common sense and intuition won't care." I'm gonna agree with the second statement of Tonto. They won't care- but if you know kids you know they will ask questions. Why is their hair different, why is their skin different? Parents (non-racist) feel like they should just say, people are just different but it doesn't matter. This info is saying it may do your child good if you give them a little more info to go on. Their ancestors came form a different country- they are native to America- pigment in skin/ dominant gens. They eat this kind of food because- wear these kind of clothes because---THAT'S ALL- EDUCATE your kids- there are always teachable moments you can use to help our kid be a better person-
This is a great discussion and a challenge for each of us. I am still working on the man in the mirror to change my behavior. We need more Jeremy Linn's in the world to help break down the stereotypes that we all battle.