It Ain't Cool Being No Jive Turkey

It's 5:30 p.m. and almost dark outside. The weather is unpredictable and the trees are starting to show you why it's called Fall. If you're not the patriarch, it's time to hop in the car for the drive to pie. Drive to: "We don't see you enough," "So, where do you live now?" and "Thought you were staying awhile."

It's Thanksgiving!

Grandparents are telling your kids the beautiful story of the pilgrims and indians sharing a wonderful meal. Their older emo cousins are telling them how the white man pillaged and massacred the Indians. You tell them not to repeat anything you have said about Mamaw.

Just when you thought you had enough trouble with elderly family members planting seeds in your kids little minds, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is trying to get a seat at the adult table.

PETA, the animal rights organization, is suggesting to kids who can read that eating a turkey on Thanksgiving is the same as digging into your dog. The Thanksgiving ad, released Monday, has a Jack Russell terrier’s head photoshopped onto a turkey’s body and says: “KIDS: If you wouldn’t eat your dog, why eat a turkey? GO VEGAN.”

“Turkeys may not be as familiar to us as dogs or cats but they have the same ability to suffer and that’s something people innately understand, especially kids,” said PETA’s manager of campaigns Ashely Byrne. “There are a lot of kids out there who don’t want to see a dead bird as the centerpiece of Thanksgiving dinner.”

PETA plans to erect numerous billboards of this ad near public schools in major cities in Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oregon, Florida, New Mexico, Utah and Tennessee, to “spark a dialogue between kids and their parents,” according to Byrne.

Byrne said the organization launched the campaign to raise awareness that turkeys feel pain just like your doggie would. “It doesn’t make sense to call dogs our friends and turkeys our food,” she said.

In addition to the billboards, PETA also suggests turkey substitutes for a traditional bird, including the soy-based Tofurkey, as well as other soy-based recipes on its website.

I appreciate PETA protecting the rights of animals. I fully understand they feel they are starting a conversation about animal cruelty.

However, these are children. They believe in Santa and have imaginary friends. The ability to read does not mean they can grasp such concepts. My kid has been waiting for proof I am an evil witch who feasts on helpless animals and a reason to put the dog in the oven.

So, PETA, this holiday season, keep the puppies outta my mouth and we will keep it the same…